So, now that summer has finally ended, I’ll get back into my creative flow again. I cannot with words express how grateful I am that the summer heat waves are finally over. I am one of these people who don’t handle heat very well, at all. My whole body shuts down to survival mode. I can’t think. I can’t move. I can’t do bloody anything, and it’s so boring, yet nothing I can do about it because my body and my brain refuses anything more than – survive.
But now, the temperature is on normal levels again, and I can pick up where I left off before summer.
So, few new things has happened during the summer. Surely, you know by now about the e-book I published – the Self which wasn’t mine. The book is a deepdive into the experiences and memories of being brought up by a covert narcissist. I use that expression because I learnt it during summer. The whole book presents various memories and experiences of having a covert narcissist as a mother, and the consequences of this.
So what’s going to happen now, is that I am going to write another book. But this time, it’ll be about recovery from living in a narcissistic relation. It’ll be strongly biased to the relation mother/child, of course, since that’s where my experience lies.
I didn’t really expect this. I had no plans whatsoever of doing something like this, but I found a new Youtube channel discussing all things narcissistic, and I’ve realized that I have come so far on my journey of recovery. It’d be unfair not to share what I’ve done to get this far.
I have no idea exactly when I’ll get started on this book. I have quite a few other things to do as well. I’m collaborating with Will Atherton at the Fenrir Canine Show on Youtube, and that’ll take up some of my time.
Mainly, this post is just a reminder – both to you and to myself, that I most certainly am not vanished into thin air, and that things will get kickstarted again. All of a sudden, I feel kinda busy. 😀
I actually do have a fairly clear idea of what I want my future to look like. I know myself well enough to know what I enjoy doing, what I’m particularily good at, and what I’d like to do with myself to thrive. It’s all about being authentic and true to oneself.
For many reasons, I have a very deep need to live very close to nature. One of them being; I’m not particularily fond of living close to other people. I have strong opinions about townlife, and by extension, how the west world choose to live. To me, it is highly unnatural and it does freak me out quite a bit.
I would also like being close to nature so I can act on my spiritual needs in a way I just can’t do when living in town. There are many things to discuss on this matter, but that’ll have to be a blog post all on its own. 🙂
Thirdly; I have a very clear view of what I want to do with my life. This website is proof of the things I am good at and the things I want to do. I want to work with photography and writing, in extension, layout, but also with dogs. And I don’t take this lightly – I really do want to work with dogs.
Which leads me to this post.
I’ve been thinking to and fro on exactly how I want to work with dogs. For a very long time, I’ve been thinking that I’d like to work with helping people find in themselves what they need to create the relationship they want with their dogs, to see their own part in their dogs behaviour, et cetera.
But I think I have decided on a completely different direction, actually. The idea is something that’s been brewing in my head for quite a long time, and I think (I THINK!!!) I’ve decided to move forward with this specifically.
I want to open a doggy daycare for XL breeds only. By XL breeds, I mean from German shepherd and up in size. I’d love to take care of some mastiffs.
But to do that, I need to live differently than I do now (apartment). I want my house out in the forest with a large, fenced area and a separate building to keep my doggy daycare business. But before I get there, I’ll need to educate myself a bit. There are a few workshops and courses I’d like to take – and one that’s necessary to legally open a dog daycare in Sweden.
A doggy daycare combined with photography, writing, blogging and layout, and lecturing on life with bipolar disorder – that’s what I’d really enjoy doing.
That, folks, is why I have this website. That’s my end game. That’s where I want to go.
I hope you’re willing to follow me, and perhaps even support me on my journey. ♥
I am one of these people who for the life of me, cannot handle heat well. Not at all, actually. I get tired, feel sick, get slow in both body and mind, I can’t think properly – my whole being goes into survival-mode, for real. Therefore, not many of my plans are moving forward at the moment. I’ll just have to accept that nothing much will happen until fall.
This is nothing new, however, so I’m ok with it. This happens every year since as long as I can remember, so I’m not surprised, nor does it scare me that all of a sudden I feel different. It’s boring, though. Especially since summer is quite long in Sweden – we’re talking months of pretty much no activity at all.
What has happened, though, is I’ve redirected my creativity into my wardrobe. I happen to sew all of my clothes, and like every summer I realize that – oh, wow, I need new clothes for the summer. Usually because I grew tired of what I was wearing last summer.
And this year, I am introducing a colour into my wardrobe. For almost 30 years, I’ve dressed almost exclusively in black. There have been shorter periods where I’ve had one or perhaps two shirts in, usually, red or blue.
And now, I realized that I need red clothes to mix with all the black. I am very, very picky with which colours I use, so I’ve made an effort finding fabric in bordeaux. It’s amazing how many different colours are called bordeaux, when not all of them really are.
So the last couple of weeks or so, I’ve been busy with buying fabrics, buying pdf patterns, printing them, putting them together, cutting them, cutting fabrics, and sewing new clothes. I think it’s absolutely awesome, and I couldn’t be happier with all my new, red clothes.
And I can’t wait until fall when I’ll start wearing make up again, so I can try out what works with all these new, beautiful, red shirts I’ve got.
I also can’t wait until my body and my mind starts working properly again. You have no idea how frustrating it is knowing what I’m capable of, and not being able to do it because it’s summer, it’s hot both outside and inside, and for that reason alone I’m stuck with being non-functional. Bloody hell, that sucks.
But rest assured; sooner or later, I’ll get back on track again. We’ve just gotten out of a heat wave here in Sweden, and hopefully we won’t get another this summer, so perhaps my brain activity kick-starts all by itself at some point before the end of august (when it usually kicks in, depending on the weather/heat).
So, I’ve entered my first collaboration! 🙂 How about that, hmm? I think it’s awesome, and I look forward working with Will Atherton who runs the Fenrir Canine Show (among others) on Youtube. He’s a dog behaviourist working with educating people in how to raise dogs to be, as he says, “the perfect canine companion”, but also in being strong, balanced, consistent leaders for their dogs.
In general, although I may not use the same terms as Will Atherton, we are pretty much on the same page. What differs is that he actually do this for a living, where I don’t (for many reasons). He’s also in Britain, so I won’t work with any dogs personally. But with such huge plans for the future as he has, I can still be a helping hand.
And since dogs, their behaviour, the very interesting issue of leadership where dogs are concerned, I’m happy to work with Will and the Fenrir Canine Show.
I am at my best when working with others, so I’m thrilled to do this, actually. And isn’t it amazing being able to do that despite the fact we’re in different countries. Covid-19 – you got nothing on this, because I am not working in an office.
Working from a distance really does rock, I must say. 😀
So, now I want to move forward and find other things to do, new people to work with, to fill my life with what’s important and meaningful to me. These are all parts of me being authentic and staying true to myself, and to me, there’s nothing more important than that.
Other than that; I’m currently working very hard on surviving the heat wave that’s been torturing Sweden for the last couple of weeks. I don’t handle heat very well; I get slow, I can’t think properly, my body slows down to survival mode, and it’s extremely tiresome. But hopefully, my body and mind will speed up soon, and then there’ll be some action again. 🙂
In general, the photograph below is the most boring one in a wedding series, that I can think of. Two people standing beside each other, looking straight into the camera, doing their best to look naturally happy. But this specific photograph is different to me, and I’ll explain why that is.
Did you know that in Sweden, this so called modern day, people with visible disabilities risk being subject to verbal and physical abuse if and when they show expressions of love in public. Did you know that?
I didn’t, until this brave woman in the photograph above, told me. We are friends since many years, but this, I did not know. I was horrified, yet somehow not surprised. The lack of respect for people who for one reason or the other does not follow “normal” is abundant, not to mention twisted.
I find it odd that people today have no better understanding, tolerance and acceptance for what is not their own normal, their own reality. Perhaps I was lucky to grow up with parents working with especially young people with primarily cognitive and physical disabilities. I was brought up with the understanding that someone’s different reality does not equal dangerous, and it does not alter my own reality.
The photograh shown above is one of the nicer ones from this series. We also shot a bunch more intimate ones, and some of these recieved lots of critique when shown on my friends Facebook wall. People thought they were “too much”, “too sexy” et cetera, and to my big surprise the critique came mainly from other disabled people. To this day, I am still not sure whether this critique is based on some kind of moral idea, or if it is plain jealousy.
While I in general find the photograph above to be among the most boring to shoot, this specific one has so much meaning that I feel it is one of the absolutely best ones in the whole series.
To me, this photograph represents so many things aside these two people clearly belong together. His hand on her shoulder, quite possively, but she on the other hand, clearly proud enough not to be owned. But it doesn’t stop there. On the contrary; that’s just the beginning.
We are so used to see this kind of photograph with two able-bodied people. Through a photograph like this, we understand that they love each other, that they intend to live together, if they are visibly younger we expect them to have or soon-to-have a family, which means a very extended lifestyle.
But for some reason, it is difficult for so many people to see this with people who have some kind of disability. Especially, I think, if there’s a wheelchair involved. There are so many prejudices that blinds us from the fact that the wheelchair has nothing to do with the making of or maintaining a family.
From what I can gather, people in general, and it seems like it doesn’t matter if they are, or are not, able-bodied, are provoced by the idea of disabled people loving able-bodied people, and being loved back. It seems like there’s a difference if both parties are disabled. I don’t get it, and quite frankly, I’m repulsed by the idea that only two people who “are the same” are allowed to love and be loved by each other. It’s ridiculous.
For all these reasons and more onto that, I find it extremely important to continue the project I started when I photographed these awesome peoples’ wedding (and the hotter photos as well). I would like to show a variety of disabled people in a variety of relationships, with various sexual preferences, just so that other people can start opening their minds and realize that it is not their place to “allow” someone else to feel, have or do something as natural like love (and sex).
This will take me a while, and I need to gather money so I can travel around and meet different people. I have a few swedish people in mind, but I am also thinking of a female couple in Britain that I would love to go see.
If you want this project to continue, please consider supporting me by contributing with any sum of money you can spare. It is highly appreciated – thank you in advance. ♥
Now that I finally managed to invest in the software I need to create flipbooks – which is the way I want my books to be read, I’ve also managed to make my very first flipbook. I am so proud! 😀 And it looks so bloody good – I couldn’t be happier.
The Self which wasn’t mine was written as part of my journey of exploring and finding that Self. It has most definitely brought me closer to being true to myself, and although I am sorry that especially my dad had to die for that to happen, I am also immensely grateful.
I think so too, but I am of course partial.
In short; the book takes you through some of my experiences as a child, as a teenager and a younger adult, trying to function in the middle of my parents who were extreme on the opposite sides of normal. The result of it was me being unable to create a sense of Self.
#TSWWM – the hashtag I’m using when talking or writing about the book. This is the first book I’ve written, and it was done so out of necessity. It is deeply personal. It’s not very pleasant to read, but the reaction I’ve had from those who’ve read it is that it’s bloody awesome.
On the not-so-personal side, I am equally proud of myself that I managed to get this done. The book itself was a pain in the ass writing. That took blood, sweat and tears, that’s for sure. But the creation of the actual book; choosing photographs and illustrations, doing the layout, translating it from swedish to english (since I wrote in swedish originally) – bloody hell.
So yeah, I’m good. Actually, I rock. 😀
Especially since I also managed to get the technical stuff together when it comes to actually purchasing the flipbook. I haven’t tried it for myself yet, so if anyone happens to buy it before I try it out, please let me know if it works properly. Thanks in advance.
The best part of this is; now I have no excuse whatsoever not to keep writing books. I paid money for the creation of flipbooks, and I’d really like to get them back.
There are so many pieces on keyoflife.se that needs to function properly. Since I’m not made of money, I have to take it step by step. The first step was to purchase software to create flipbooks out of my already existing and yet-to-be-written e-books.
The first book to be published here on Key of life, is my very personal book the Self which wasn’t mine (hashtag #TSWWM). There are a few things I need to fix in the translation before I publish it, so I think it’ll be out in a week or so. Then, I have a couple of other books to be released as well.
As for books after that; they need to be written first. 😀
But there are other things to be done. For example; recent events in Sweden concerning sexwork has turned my liberal heart into flames. The patronizing and attempts to act as a saving angel has turned the entire socity into a boiling pot of self-righteousness. So I figure I should perhaps create my first issue of the Key-zine (digital magazine/newsletter) with sexwork as topic.
To clarify; I do not sell sex myself. That’s not something I’m interested in. But I know people who do – willingly. The general idea in Sweden is that sexwork is performed by people who are mentally and emotionally wounded, who abuse and cannot take care of themselves. While this may be partly true, it is by no means true for every sexworker there is.
I would like to offer a more nuanced addition to the public conversation on sexwork. I’m not naive; I do understand that if I do this, I may very well be hated, people will be disgusted, and most likely, I’ll have to take a lot of crap for it. But I think I’ll have to do it anyway.
I am liberal in my political views, and it actually does piss me off that the Swedish social democratic, not to mention feministic ideas, think that they are doing good when in reality they are more destructive. The patronizing mentality we have here is repulsive.
I think the most important thing for me when it comes to this, is to look for a shift in attitude towards sexwork. It seems like the problem is more moral than anything else, and I really can’t see why. Sexwork has been around since the dawn of time, it’s not very likely we’ll get rid of it. I think it’s more important to make sure it’s safe for everyone involved, than put even more shame, stigma and danger into the pot. But this cannot be done until people start looking at it differently. Changing the view of sexwork, but also – the view of the people performing it.
Stay tuned – we’ll see what happens with this! =)
So, the first book being written is a supergeeky theoretic book on photography. It’ll be suitable for people who are into photography or perhaps art history/theory. It’ll be dealing with the concept of truth and how we percieve and understand it in photography. Most people will most likely find it extremely boring. 😀
There are many benefits being a photographer and have studied art history focusing on theory/method on photography. That gives a multitude of perspectives on the same subject, not to mention a very wide range or knowledge that expands both parts of the coin, so to speak. It’s amazing.
That is one of my goals with this book; to widen the knowledge with the reader. It’ll be tons of theory, but also lots of knowledge on the practical part of photography. This will increase your understanding on why and how you read/percieve/understand photographs in a certain way.
I want this book to be really good. That’s why I decided not only to write down my own thoughts on the matter, but also to add my thoughts on some of the authors I’ve read in my art history studies. Not everything is focused specifically on photography – there are other aspects that are very important in this as well.
So why do I think this book should be written, at all? There are many reasons for that. Partly; because I want to write it. I find this subject extremely interesting. But then; I am quite interested in philosophy, especially combined with art. I might even take up studies in aesthetics at some point, no matter if in distance studies or just for me, personally.
But there’s another reason for this as well. We live in a time where photography is described as truth. Photographs are brought out of context and presented as something they were never meant to be. I really do believe that we, people as a group, need to get better at understanding this and know how and why we percieve and understand things.
Either way; the book will be written, and it is not up to me how you read and understand it, or what reasons you have for reading it in the first place. I just hope that you get something out of it – hopefully enough to spread the word.
Oh, and hey – please buy me a cup of tea while you’re at it.
I’ll be needing huge amounts of tea for this book to be written. 😀
So, for a couple of days I’ve been trying to remember where the heck I set up a shop for some of my photographic work. For some reason, I had it bookmarked in my browser without remembering it. This place is quite amazing, because it offers such a variety of STUFF, with art on it. People do the most wonderous artwork and sell it on mugs, shower curtains, as framed wall art, laptop skins et cetera.
I’ll go through the work I have on that site and do a clean-up if needed, and perhaps add some new material. If you want to take a look in the meantime, you can find my shop here.
At the moment, there are photographs from two previous projects I’ve done. One of them is Cutting Edge Erotica, which focuses on the emotional part of Femdom/BDSM, and not so much the physical/sexual part. The result of this project is actually amazing, and some of the photographs from it are among my absolutely best work up to this date.
The other project is one that somehow keeps going and going, because I don’t know how to stop. I absolutely love photographing trees and parts of nature. There’s just so much to see, and there is so much magic in it. What’s not worth photographing, eh?
I had completely forgotten this place existed, and even more so, that I, created a shop over there. Nothing’s happened in the shop so far, but still.
As you can see, there’s a whole shitload of stuff for me to do. Not only writing books and my key-zine, but also trying to figure out which photographs to put on Society6, not to mention, working out how the plugin for selling my e-books, functions. That’s a bloody fulltime job for a while. 😀
Anyways; I just wanted to let you guys know that there are things going on rapidly over here. Not everything will fall in place or be ready right away, but for me personally, it’s so important to see that things are moving forward. I love what I do here (and have been doing for most part of my life), and I can’t wait to see where this is going. ♥
Sometimes I find it hard to actually get started on things, because there are so many things I want to do at the same time, and so my brain boils down into soup when I can’t decide where to start. 😀 It’s a bit less fun than described – it’s actually quite annoying. And at the same time soooo exciting.
One of the benefits of doing it this way, without any proper customers like any normal business, but rather with an audience that as of yet doesn’t really know what I intend to do, is that – even if you don’t know you want to see it yet, I have some sort of expectations on top of me. That leads me to actually begin creating, although there’s no automatic financial payoff for me. Not yet, anyway, but I hope it will be, eventually.
And so; I have begun. I really am in the beginning of the beginning, and while I enjoy it immensely, it also happens to be quite frustrating.
For example; I have begun hinting to some people I want to talk to them about their view on dogs (and more) for the first issue of key-zine. I have also begun thinking about and trying out some stuff for the layout, since that’s a big turn-on for me when it comes to creating stuff. I usually do everything at once – writing, photographing and layout pretty much simultaneously. To me, all these things are very closely connected since I am so picky about how an audience percieves my work.
I have also begun writing on my super geeky book on truth in photography. I need to find my way around how to express myself first of all, so at the moment, I’m just trying to find the written word for it. And trust me when I tell you; the ideas behind this book are so abstract it’ll take quite a lot of work to make it understandable. And I cannot stress enough just how extremely exciting I think that is. I’m such a geek.
Oh, and about the book – I have also gotten myself a test reader. I would like one or two more of these, so if you’re interested in reading a very nerdy book on theory/method in analyzing photography, please do let me know.
In general I have to admit I am so very, very pleased I got around to do this. I’ve been thinking about it for years, but so much has been in the way – mainly my own mental health. But I really do feel like I need to do this unless I want to explode out of boredom. These are exactly the kind of challenges I enjoy the most. And since this stupid covid-19 very effectively prevents most of us to be social in pretty much any way, it feels like an awesome idea.
If you like what I do, please consider donating.